III: Honest Living
“Man sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices his money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never
really lived. ” - The Dalai Lama
Before we get into what to say to women, how to make them laugh, how to talk to them, where to take them, how to kiss them; before we even get into basic questions like what to wear, or how to look, what to say first, we have to ask a more important question. A question whose answer will affect and change everything listed above.
Which women do you meet?
Context. You can meet women in coffee shops, but whether they’re cold approaches, business networking events, or a speed-dating event is going to make a huge difference.
This question of where and in what context you meet women is what I call demographics, and it is by-and- large ignored by pretty much all dating advice out there today. This absolutely boggles my mind since social interactions are always contextual and therefore picking up women is always contextual.
The fact is that some books tell a 40-year-old divorced banker meeting women at an art gallery the same thing that they tell a 19- year-old college kid sneaking into house parties. This is stupid. These two guys have completely different priorities, life experiences, personalities, interests, and the women they’re going to meet in those two locations are going to be different in age, education, values, emotional development, appearance and interests. That some books would give these men the exact same lines or strategies to use just goes to show how completely out of tune a lot of men’s dating advice and pick up theory is today.
In fact, time has shown that great swarths of men have become disgruntled and repeatedly unsuccessful with a lot of this advice, and I think most of this vast lack of success can be attributed to ignoring demographics.
The theory of demographics is simple and easy to remember: like attracts like.
If you’re a successful professional who likes fine wine, studied abroad and dresses well, chances are the type of women you’re going to naturally meet and attract in your every day life are going to be similarly- educated, similar-looking women with similar interests and similar success.
When demographics don’t match up, then it causes friction. And as we learned in Chapter 4, friction prevents attraction from turning into hooking up.
A very common demographic mismatch scenario is the bookworm who takes up pick up lines and tactics. Let’s say we have a 35-yearold engineer named John. John has been a bookworm and shut-in all his life. He’s had two serious girlfriends, both lasting more than five years apiece. He’s recently single and has decided that he wants to date and meet as many women as possible before he decides to get married. So John reads some pick up material and begins hitting the night clubs with it.
Now, let’s ignore the lines he uses for a moment -- in fact, let’s assume the lines he uses are very good (even though they’re probably not). He approaches a very hot blond girl named Jenna.
Jenna is 20-years-old and in her second year at community college. She comes from a worse part of town and has been working a retail job at a shoe store for the last five years to put herself through community college, although she doesn’t like anything she’s learning. Her only relief is when she gets to go party at the club each weekend where all of her friends are and where she gets to relish in really hot guys hitting on her and buying her drinks.
John has three degrees, has spent the last eight years working 60 hours per week and never drinks. He’s maybe been to 20 parties in his entire life and has only been drunk twice. He’s passive and analytical and his sense of humor is highly intellectual. He’s softspoken and thoughtful. He’s not dressed entirely well and his hair is unkempt. He wears big glasses and is slightly shorter than average.
It’s not hard to see that when he approaches Jenna, no matter what he says or what line he uses, it’s going to end very quickly, and chances are Jenna is not going to be subtle about her lack of interest in John.
John may come away blaming the lines he used for not working. Or he may blame himself for being ugly or being a little short.
But let’s keep the thought-experiment going. Let’s say two years go by. In those two years John works on himself. He dresses impeccably now -- wearing custom tailored designer clothing that is not only stylish but reflects his successful business persona. He’s groomed and styled very well. He’s gone to the gym and buffed up, gotten contacts instead of his glasses and paid a hair stylist to fix up his hair.
John’s also discovered the fun of partying. He enjoys going out with some of his new young professional friends to drink and dance and have fun. He’s begun spending more time at the beach and has been teaching himself the guitar on and off. He’s gotten laid a few times and realized that attractive women aren’t such a big deal to get worked up about.
Jenna has also changed in the past two years. Since she last met John, she’s dedicated herself to her studies. She just got into nursing school and has been taking it seriously and realizes she’s smarter than she thought she was and that at times, she actually enjoys learning. She also got out of a one-year relationship with a football player who treated her like crap. She’s realized that she needs a guy who is more responsible than she is.
This time when John approaches here (lines or not), they suddenly have an overlapping demographic: John is now an attractive, wellkept, successful bachelor who knows how to let loose, have fun and express his emotions; Jenna is now not only beautiful but also responsible, ambitious and confident.
Now, it’s true that if John practiced and perfected his use of lines and tactics, he may be able to convince Jenna in the short-term that he’s less invested and is actually in her demographic (vague stories about his stripper ex-girlfriends and the like), but hopefully by now you realize how badly these kinds of strategies backfire, particularly in the long-run. Eventually John’s lines will run out and like Cinderella after the ball, and Jenna will be horrified at who she’s actually talking to.
But because John (and Jenna) worked on themselves, broadened their demographics, enriched their lifestyles, and lived their lives how they wanted even more, they came to find an enough overlap and commonality to be attracted to one another.
This is the power of demographics.
A demographic mismatch can be seen in terms of friction. If she loves to ski and ride horses, and you hate the outdoors and traveling, then that’s going to cause friction -- perhaps not immediately, but at some point.
If she values having fun, expressing her emotions openly and what her friends think of her, and you value serious conversation, intellectual pursuits and don’t care much for social gatherings, there’s going to be a large amount of friction from the get-go.
This is unavoidable. Pick up lines won’t change it. Being goodlooking won’t change it. Being rich won’t change it. If you hate what she loves and she hates what you love, it’s not going to go anywhere. Period.
If she dedicates a lot of time and effort to her appearance and enjoys getting attention from goodlooking guys, and you don’t shower, dress poorly and haven’t ever seen the inside of a gym, then there is going to be a large amount of friction.
These are the cold, hard facts. Nobody probably tells you this. But it’s obvious and it’s true. Sorry.
The examples are endless. But this explains why sometimes you meet women you just “click” with, and more often than not, you meet these women in situations that you’re having fun and doing what you love.