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Home arrow Health arrow 100 Questions and Answers about Women’s Sexual Wellness and Vitality

It's not sex... it's intimacy. How do you focus on pleasure rather than performance?

As discussed earlier in the book, the goals of sexual wellness are to increase human connectedness and relationship togetherness rather than sexual intercourse. For some, sex may not be critical whereas for others the lack of communication may be troublesome. One of the critical issues you should focus on is sexual communication; discuss openly and honestly with your partner about getting what you want and need. Listen and communicate with your partner. Add spice and adventure—not criticism.

Many couples focus on goals such as orgasm, and their sexual script becomes preset and on automatic pilot. It's a routine that becomes boring after many years. Sex becomes a chore. The escalator of sexual performance is a term I use to discuss how one activity leads to the next, almost without thought or consideration. Bring home chocolates or flowers, have a nice meal, shower, kiss and hug in bed after a few minutes of your favorite television show. Next comes lights out with minimal foreplay; intercourse is rushed in the same position, and the whole sexual interlude culminates in orgasm about 5 to 10 minutes after it began. It's predictable, boring, often mechanical, and not pleasurable.

Rather than get on with another orgasm, you can focus on the concept of the wheel of pleasure. Like a wheel that rotates constantly, there are many places to get on and off. Spice it up, focus on sexual unpredictability. Have oral sex, outercourse. Maybe spend hours in romantic embrace without orgasm.

Focus on pleasure rather than performance. Focus on outer-course not intercourse.

Do not forget the power of the healing touch. It is known from medical research that the human brain releases natural endorphins in a surge following orgasm, meditation, and exercise. Men tend to release endorphins 20 to 30 seconds after orgasm, whereas women release endorphins up to 20 minutes after orgasm. Humans need connectedness, intimacy, and a sense of closeness. Focus on sensual touch. Deprivation of touch in men leads to aggressive behavior, whereas women who do not experience loving touch may become sad and depressed. Keeping stress to a minimum is also important. Use all your senses, touch and focus on pleasure rather than performance.

How do we make sex a priority and make time for sex important?

What is time management? Everyone is limited by time. We all have an enormously long list that we never seem to be able to get accomplished. Work, family, social, and business commitments all accumulate, and then add those activities to the usual activities of daily living, and we are pressed for time. Do not forget the laundry, cooking, cleaning, and homework checking. We all have 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in a day, and 168 hours in a week to get all that we do done. When we do not have enough time in the day, we stop having sex and sleep less—both activities that we need in times of stress.

Focus on pleasure rather than performance.

Sex is important in your overall quality of life. Here are a few practical suggestions to help you manage your calendar and make yourself and sex a priority. Scheduled intimate time or planned intimacy is often better than no intimacy at all. Breaking your script and having sex at different times can also be spontaneous and exciting.

• Manage yourself and your choices. Set priorities and learn to say no to commitments both socially and professionally.

• Get a calendar and write it down.

• Begin by setting realistic goals; do not create impossible situations. Do not overschedule.

• Make a to-do list. Set reminders and avoid noisy environments.

• Avoid distractions, focus, and minimize possible interruptions—turn off your phone and the television.

• If you are feeling overwhelmed, reassess the number and types of projects you are involved in. Streamline.

• Minimize bodily stress. Become an active exerciser and improve your physical fitness.

• Meet your lover at home for some lunchtime loving.

Making time for intimacy and passionate love will enhance your overall quality of life and sense of well-being.

Sometimes you may feel out of your comfort zone. Initially, it may feel abnormal for you to leave the sink filled with dirty dishes; but feeling connected with your partner or feeling the caress of your partner is often more important. Chores and other obligations should wait until another time. Make sex an important part of your routine. Making time for intimacy and passionate love will enhance your overall quality of life and sense of well-being. You will be surprised how it can help your overall efficiency.

 
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